Six Hundred Bibles

Ling longed to have a complete Bible of her own so she could study it and help other believers understand it. So when she heard that a woman only four miles away had Bibles available, she couldn't get there fast enough. It turned out a woman had a few Bibles that had washed ashore after members of a Christian mission group had been forced to throw them overboard while attempting to smuggle them into China at night. Some believers along the shoreline had recovered the Bibles, and this woman had carefully dried the pages one by one in the sunlight.
When Ling asked her for one of the Bibles, explaining how God had called her to preach the gospel, the woman became alarmed. "No, no, no!" she answered. "These Bibles are very valuable. Do you know how hard it is to get a Bible? And how do I know you are even a believer?"
Ling persisted in her pleadings, but was unsuccessful. The woman would not part with a single one of her Bibles. Poor Ling looked so crestfallen the woman told her that if she could recite the Lord's Prayer without a single mistake, she would reconsider.
Ling left, encouraged that there still might be hope. She traveled back to a village where she knew there was a Bible in the home of an elderly believer. The brother cherished the Bible with a holy reverence, and when Ling saw it, she understood why. The old man's Bible was completely handwritten. In fact, the brother's hands were now permanently twisted from the thousands and thousands of hours he had spent carefully copying each verse character by character.

Hearts of Fire: Eight Women in the Underground Church and Their Stories of Costly Faith, page 204-205

Today Johnie and I send our six hundredth Bible overseas. I have so many emotions.

A little more than ten years ago, just a few months after we were married, we bought our first home and moved in. I felt completely overwhelmed by home ownership. I worried that a small leak would require a complete roof reconstruction that would surely bankrupt us. We argued about whether or not to install lawn sprinklers. They're very common in Kansas, but I grew up in Kentucky (where the rain takes care of the ground) and am pretty cheap to boot. I could not fathom spending time and money to pour perfectly good water out on the grass, even if it was brown. What a waste.

I was homesick. I was struggling to love this big dull city I had landed in the middle of. I felt vulnerable without mountains and lifelong friends and family around me.

I didn't know what to do with my time. Should I work? Should I volunteer? Should I have a baby? (No. But was I wrong to feel that way?)

It was during this time that my eyes were opened to modern-day Christian persecution. I didn't realize our brothers and sisters were being tortured and martyred in other parts of the world. I heard some of their testimonies. I read Tortured for Christ by Richard Wurmbrand. And I bought a book that would forever change my life: Hearts of Fire: Eight Women in the Underground Church and Their Stories of Costly Faith.

These were eight unimaginable stories of women living and breathing on the same earth I was living and breathing on. They were ripped from their families. Tortured. Faced with unthinkable circumstances and still praised the Lord.

The roof. The sprinklers. The skyscrapers and one way streets. The distance between me and my family. They all faded away. I saw how insignificant all of those things actually were and just how significant faith and service to God are.

I was convicted anew of a love for the Holy Word when I read the story of Ling, a woman in China who became a Christian as a young girl and would walk from village and village to read and copy and memorize snippets of the Bible. She worked toward getting her own copy of the full Bible for many years before she finally secured it. And then she dedicated her life to sharing it with others. She eventually began smuggling Bibles to churches in China and faced several prison sentences and was tortured for those efforts. Still she persevered and never gave up on her mission. Each time she was released from prison, she continued to share the Word.

I read this story from the comfort of my climate controlled living room couch. With multiple copies of the Bible on my bookshelf. Days and weeks would sometimes pass without me even opening one. And while I relaxed in apathy, she risked her life and well being for that same book.

I read her story in 2007. It ended:

Ling now has a vision for the International Olympics, which is coming to Beijing in 2008. She believes this will be an incredible opportunity for the house churches to grow and flourish. Back to work...

I am one of the least evangelic Christians around. After I outgrew a horribly embarrassing vocal and ugly (and wrong) condemnation of others phase in my teenage years, I don't really feel compelled to share scriptures or verses or sermons. I usually live out my Christianity in other ways, and thank God for those who are called to evangelism. (I think its part of the beauty of a body with each member serving their own function.) But I wanted to help Ling distribute Bibles. If people were literally dying for a copy of this precious book, the least I could do was help them.

The same organization that published the Hearts of Fire book had a program called Bibles Unbound. For $30 a month, they ship five Bibles to people in the underground church who request them. The Bibles are translated into their native language and packaged in such a way to look like a non-religious book.

At the time Johnie and I didn't really have any disposable income to speak of. We would have to cut something out to take part in this program. Giving up a meal out each month seemed like a small sacrifice in the face of a sister who was giving up her freedom. So we signed up.

I was given the names of the Bible recipients each month, and in those first few months I actually packaged the Bibles up myself to mail out. I would hang the names on my refrigerator and pray over those people.

Month after month ticked by. Johnie got a promotion and I got a full-time job and we no longer even felt that monthly donation for the Bibles. Eventually, I opted for the organization to send the Bibles on my behalf in an effort to help expedite the process and cut down on overall shipping costs.

I signed up for the "where most needed" option and was given a ministry page. It felt uncomfortable. The header: "Mission Page of Mrs. Amy Rose Karr." I'm not 90. (I was uncomfortable with "Mrs." and "Karr" at that point in my life but I've grown into them over the years.) And how was a small monthly donation a "mission?" It felt too grandiose for my little contribution.

But over the years, my "mission page" has grown. Bibles I sponsored have been sent to North Korea, Indonesia, Vietnam, Hmong, China, Nepal, Sri Lanka, India, Pakistan, Iran, Egypt, Ethiopia, Nigeria, Columbia, Cuba and Chiapas, Mexico. And now there are nearly 600 names to scroll through (a few dozen Bibles were given covertly, so I only know the name of the field worker who distributed them).

When Johnie and I sponsored those first five Bibles, we weren't sure if we'd sponsor any more. There have been times when we haven't missed the money as it left our account. And other times when we have scrounged up the funds for that month's donation knowing we might not have one the following month.

But, by the grace of God, the story of a young girl in China reached a young, self-absorbed girl in Kansas. And even though she didn't really appreciate or share the Bible as she should, she was motivated to take a small step to send out a few Bibles to unknown Christians overseas. How beautiful is the work of the Lord.

I share this because I grapple, like many, with things like my purpose and my calling and God's will for my life day-to-day. Should we buy this house or this car or this bar of chocolate? Do I really need a smartphone or a TV? How many toys should a two year old have? Should I lay in bed and pray or push through and get out and get some work done? Or just watch TV? Is this vacation too much? How do I honor the Sabbath? To what, specifically, should I give my time and my money and my attention? How in the world do I make things different? When should I speak up? When should I step back? What, for the love of God, should I even do?

I've made a lot of mistakes and I've gotten a lot of things wrong.

Once when I was listening to a radio story a few years ago about a child just coincidentally meeting their sponsor after they grew up, I began dreaming of how beautiful that would be in my own life. I was driving around Kansas back in those days training nurses on a parent education program to reduce stress (and abuse) related to early infant crying. Those early mornings and late nights on the road I often asked God, "What have I prevented? Will I ever know if any lives were actually saved or bettered from all of this?"

And as I began to imagine one day, possibly from Heaven, getting to see the actual reach of my God-blessed efforts, I realized that it would pale in comparison to all of the people I have passed by and not helped. If the Lord ever showed me the extent of the damage I have caused or allowed to occur because of my actions and inactions, I don't think I could bear it.

It was a crushing thought to me then, but I feel like I have gained a better perspective over the years. The Lord can fix my ignorance and my disobedience. His grace covers me. And it covers my shortcomings.

For a long time I focused on all the things I didn't do well enough. There's plenty there to keep a mind busy. But I have decided instead to focus on the things I am getting right. Though $30 is a meager offering from a comfortable middle class American, the Lord can bless it and multiply it over and over and over again. And if you keep offering up your "little" service, eventually five Bibles become 600 spread all over the world.

This is a time of year when we consider generosity and resolutions and changes in our lives and our habits. It is also a time when we get bogged down in grief from the past or anxiety for the future or dissatisfaction for the day. Turn instead to the little pieces of good you can do. Plant the seeds. The Lord will provide the growth. It may be awhile, or even a very long while, before you see any fruit, but it is there. Give your offering, whatever it is. The Lord will make it more than enough.

Stupid* antibodies, and a friendly reminder from God

Jesus' friends had been so afraid, they had only seen the big waves. They had forgotten that, if Jesus was with them, then they had nothing to be afraid of. No matter how small their boat - or how big the storm.
-The Jesus Storybook Bible

Curled up in bed one night I cried and confided in Johnie. I was feeling so insecure. So nervous. So worried. Just five days prior I had learned that I tested positive for several antibodies which cause my blood to clot abnormally. This puts me at an even higher risk for miscarriage, pre-eclampsia, slowed growth of the baby and pre-term labor than lupus alone.

I was thankful that they caught it this early in my pregnancy and I was thankful my levels weren't so high as to require blood thinner injections right away, but I had still been disappointed by this news.

I had prayed specifically, since I learned about lupus and some of the pregnancy risks, to not have to deal with this issue if I ever did become pregnant. In the moments after I learned the news I felt like it was just the beginning of my deepest fears for this pregnancy being realized. What other bad things were going to unfold in the days and weeks ahead?

But after spending some time in prayer with God, I began to feel better about things. Less panicked. More peaceful. Over the years, when troubles arise in my life when I feel like I am trying to do the Lord's will and I wonder why He is allowing obstacles to get in the way, I sometimes think of people like Mary. I have thought of her a lot during my pregnancy. If anyone ever deserved a pain-free, care-free pregnancy, it was Mary carrying Jesus. But she was so young and her story was so unbelievable and she had to ride on a donkey for several days and deliver her baby alone in a strange, unsterile, humble place. Why should I expect to have it easier than Mary? I mean, I already do have it easier than Mary, and why am I expecting even better treatment than the chosen mother of the Savior?

The fears didn't vanish though. They kept creeping back up and I kept fighting them back each day. Earlier this particular day I noticed that the Lupus Foundation of America had posted a new article about pregnancy outcomes of women with lupus and the antiphospholipid antibodies. I refrained from reading it for several hours until curiosity got the best of me. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

It was worse.

The fears just overwhelmed me. And as Johnie tried to calm me down, I got even more anxious and started veering into fears of my parenting skills and how this baby would affect our marriage. For each problem he tried to solve, I replaced it with twelve new ones. Finally, he just listened and waited for me to calm down. And when it seemed like I had said all I could think of to say, he pulled out the Jesus Storybook Bible.

You see, it is very important to my mom that babies are read to, even before they are born. She read the Bible to my brother and me still in the womb. I have always planned to do the same with my kids. Johnie and I have heard wonderful things about the Jesus Storybook Bible from many of our friends, so it was the first baby purchase we made. I thought we were getting a little carried away reading to an earless -- and even heartless when we started this tradition -- baby. But, I reasoned, we could probably stand to hear the Bible story each night even if it didn't quite reach our baby yet.

This night we were on The Captain of the storm. Johnie began reading and turned the page and I picked up until I got to:

They had forgotten that, if Jesus was with them, then they had nothing to be afraid of.

I could only cry. Thanks, God. What a sweet way to let me know I should probably just chill out and trust You.

He has sent me many words from friends and family and His Word in the last few weeks to reassure me He is with me in this. I randomly got a card a few days after the storm story from a women's ministry that I have done some small volunteer projects for (and that has done some major ministering in my own life) with a note (from someone who didn't even know I am pregnant) letting me know she had prayed for me and these verses came to her mind:

Nevertheless I am continually with you; you hold me by my right hand. -Psalm 73:23

My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. -Psalm 73:26

She also offered this prayer: May God strengthen your body today and remind you that He is walking beside you, holding your right hand!

I don't understand why God decided I should carry this baby. I don't understand why I have to deal with this stupid* antibody issue. Or why any number of mothers have to deal with any number of pregnancy issues. And I don't know how this is going to work out.

But I am thankful for a sweet, loving, gentle, trustworthy Father who is by my side and helping me through it all. I need to be reminded constantly: I have nothing to fear. Because of Him.

*Writing this post made me realize I should probably begin now (while my baby hasn't yet developed the ability to hear) to significantly decrease my use of the word "stupid."

30/30 Bucket List: Practice a Spiritual Discipline

The purpose of the Spiritual Disciplines is the total transformation of the person. They aim at replacing old destructive habits of thought with new life-giving habits. Nowhere is this purpose more clearly seen than in the Discipline of study. 
-Richard J. Foster, Celebration of Discipline

In the spirit of spiritual discipline, let me start with a confession: After getting a line-up of expensive, pampering "challenges" in my bucket at my party, I did a bit of coaching for my friends who couldn't attend. I asked them to add to my bucket, but also asked, very politely, that their challenges wouldn't cost me a lot of money or make me feel completely spoiled.

One of those friends challenged me to practice a spiritual discipline that I haven't tried much. I read that as practice a spiritual discipline I could use a lot of improvement on and felt like the field was pretty wide open (save for maybe solitude). I've tried -- and failed -- at most all the spiritual disciplines.

One of my post-job goals was to read the Bible more often, so my knee-jerk was to pick that one. I hadn't been doing so well with it. But I wondered if I might should challenge myself to a new spiritual discipline that I wasn't already actively working on.

I scanned my Celebration of Discipline book for inspiration (I have read this book several times and HIGHLY recommend it). I briefly considered submission, and even more briefly considered confession. But, in the end, I just felt like I should continue to focus on developing discipline in my reading and study and meditation of the Bible.

I have never really dug deeply, thoughtfully, consistently in the scriptures for my own edification. And for many years I have carried around shame and guilt because of it. I have made many plans. Year-long reading plans that fizzle out in a few months, or weeks. Inspired by people who read with their morning coffee, I tried to read my Bible before doing anything else. That didn't last more than a few days, and carried with it the added guilt of "not putting God first."

I have tried to read for a certain amount of time each day, and been unsuccessful. All of my attempts have failed and left me feeling embarrassed and unworthy.

And honestly, I don't even know why this has been a struggle for me. I love to read. And I love the Bible. It is well written, has an amazing plot, and is everything I find in my favorite books: True story, unpredictable twists, and good prevailing over evil even against all odds. Plus, you know, God wrote it. When I do read and study, I get a lot out of it. A lot.

So the guilt heaps on.

I had decided this time around to allow myself a little more grace. I suppose I would need to take tiny baby steps. In the beginning, I would put no constraints on my Bible time except to aim for it every day. Whether it was fifteen minutes or two hours, whether I covered one verse or one book. The goal would be to simply open the Bible and spend some time there every day. If I wanted to stop and think or pray about a scripture, I could. If I wanted to stop and study something, I could. Or if I just wanted to read and only read, I could. If I wanted to skip over something, I could. (Yeah, I cringed a little when I wrote that last line... I don't advocate intentionally ignoring sections of scripture but for the purposes of developing a habit of reading, I really needed permission not to necessarily start in Matthew or Genesis or have to trudge through Numbers just because that book was next up.)

And with those new lax guidelines, I would say my Bible time improved by about ten percent. Cue more feelings of defeat.

I'm not working. I have no kids. How can I not manage a half hour of my time reading the word of God? How pathetic am I?

So, I added: I would not beat myself up if I missed a day. I would stop focusing on what I hadn't done in days past and start focusing on what I could do with the new day I had been given.

Fast forward a bit.

I finished up a short walk on the treadmill and decided that I would read a few chapters before soaking. (I have poor muscle recovery and soaking in doctored-up water after a treadmill walk seems to help with that.)  I specifically opted not to read the Bible while soaking so I would have the freedom to take notes or look things up if I wanted to.

These details are important because I feel like I haven't been thoughtful in the past with trying to carve out Bible time. I really was trying to settle in with the scriptures at the best time in the most quality way possible.

I switched to the Bible on my Kindle and began reading in Acts. Stephen's martyrdom. I was immediately drawn in and imagining what it must have looked like to see Stephen's face glowing (maybe it wasn't, but I picture it radiantly glowing) the way the scriptures say ("like an angel's").

I couldn't help but think of the Christians who are being martyred today. How even all these centuries later, people are still dying like Stephen died. I wondered how similar some of their stories might be to Stephen's. And I felt thankful for my freedom to worship and proclaim Christ openly.

During all of this a few hunger pangs nudged me, so I decided to get a snack while I finished reading. Still engrossed in the story, I walked, kindle in hand, to the kitchen. But before I could open the refrigerator the voice started:

Can you not stay focused for fifteen minutes? What is wrong with you? You are reading a story written by God about one of the first Christian martyrs and you can't have the reverence to wait for your food. You really are pathetic.

And that's when I realized: One of the reasons I've always failed at this is the quickness with which I criticize my efforts and deem them not good enough.

Standing there in the kitchen I felt like today's reading didn't count. I had failed and would have to try again later.

Defeated again, I began to think about this more. And that's when I concluded: Even quick, distracted, inconsistent study is better than no study at all. And just because my reading now is quick and distracted and inconsistent, it doesn't mean it always will be. Even as puny as it was, it prompted me to pray for Christians being persecuted today. That shouldn't be discredited.

I don't think such negativity is a proper reflection of the way God feels and I don't think I'm alone in engaging in this kind of negative self-talk.

I had planned on blogging about this particular challenge after I had completed it in some way. But for anyone else who beats themselves up over every little shortcoming, I thought it important to go ahead and share this step in my journey. I'm making it a point to stop criticizing my efforts, and I hope you all do too.

I hope later in the year I will be able to say that I have become more practiced and disciplined in my reading and study of the Word. For now, I am just going to celebrate taking a significant step toward breaking destructive habits.